WILL YOU MARRY ME?

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

4th Dhul-Hijjah, 1435                                             Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuh brothers and sisters. So I got a boost to write this article. It is 11:26pm and I should be sleeping now but my energy level went haywire. I have just been taught yet another great lesson by my adorable mum and brother, a family I am consciously and unconsciously learning from. Alhamdulillaah for the love and lessons. The lesson in the simplest statement is: Let Allah azza wa jal take care of everything. I have always believed so but the understanding got a lot clearer. May Allah azza wa jal bless us all. Aameen.

So, I wanted to write a follow-up article to the Young Scholar Saga but I got a tap to write on this particular topic. My article on the Polygamy Unrest sparked a number of responses from people. I want to share two of them with you here.

1.      It touched my heart to the core: An unknown lady on whatsapp after reading the article had said simply to me: ‘May Allah bless our husbands with the best of wives.’ That to me was a beautiful thing to hear from a married woman.

2.      This lady simply didn’t get my point so she says; ‘Why don’t you wait until you are married before you start telling us whether to accept polygamy or not?’ She added that why don’t I talk to the guys to solve the many problems polygamy brings instead of them (the women). So after I tried to make her understand the point of the article to no avail; I said to myself: ‘Ok, she missed the point.’ Smiles…

Marriage…

Marriage is a beautiful thing. Oh yes! I just wrote that. I am an advocate of marriage even though some will say; ‘Why aren’t you married then?’ In shaa Allah, if it is Allah’s will that I marry, I would (smile to Jannah). Marriage is the Sunnah of the most awesome of humans, rasuulullaahi suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam. Thinking someone does not want to marry is like thinking someone doesn’t want to embark on the Sunnah of rasuulullaah (May Allah azza wa jal forbid).

As we advocate for marriage among us, we do not also forget that; ‘If the Sunnah of Rasuulullaah must be done, it must be done well.’ Interestingly, I don’t like to write or talk about marriage much because I feel all that I know is theory even though I believe it is theory that people turn into practicals to make it work. All the same, I want to not talk about marriage itself but the situation of some of our ladies before marriage. You know, I am a Muslimah and I worry for myself and my sisters more (don’t worry guys; some things are for Muslimahs only).

Different Shades of Situations of the Muslimah

Some women were meant to marry early and some late (I don’t know how to define the early and late: we could have different perspectives to it). Some have loads of proposals, some a few, some none and all of that for various reasons. Some are so eager to marry and some are not and all of that. This article wants to look at one category of this Muslimahs; those who want to get married and for one reason or the other cannot get married.

Want to Get Married; Can’t Get Married

The Muslimahs who want to get married but cannot do so could be in that situation for a variety of reasons. 

1.      They haven’t had their choice even though they have many men coming.

2.      They are unable to do so for some health, emotional, spiritual, financial, etc. reason.

3.      The men aren’t simply coming and many others.

They haven’t had their Choice

When a woman is not finding her choice, it could be for some reasons as well.

1.      She is looking for something way out of the way which the men who come her way do not possess.

2.      She is not looking for anything much but the men who come her way don’t have it.

Something Out of the Way or Not Out of the Way

The woman who is looking for something beyond normal bears the burden of not getting what she wants. It could be that she will get what she wants someday or she may have to settle with someone who does not have what she wants someday if she cannot bear not being married anymore. 

The same is true for she who wants something that is not out of the way but she is unable to have it. She may have to settle with someone else who does not have what she wants if she cannot bear not being married any longer. So the case of this saying comes in; ‘If the desirable is not available, the available becomes desirable.’

If the Desirable is not Available, the Available becomes Desirable

It is an interesting saying that keeps me smiling when I read it. And oh! I have seen this saying give a lot of ladies and gentlemen vim to keep up with their lives where they wanted someone so badly who didn’t want them. They just told themselves; ‘Come on! Get real and make use of the available kawai!’ 

I love this saying and I believe that is how life should be for continuity to be ensured otherwise, we would all be stacked at one place. The women and men who cannot have what they original desired make do and find desire in that which is available to them. That is a beautiful concept even though for me; ‘It is what I have that I desire.’ If I cannot have it, I cannot desire it! Finish. 

So, What is My Problem?

Mostly, I write my article on observations I make in order to air my views to people hoping that perhaps, I might be able to help someone out there bi iznillaah (by the permission of Allah azza wa jal). 

My Observation

For a number of reasons, I see a lot of sisters who aren’t married and are craving to marry send the whole marriage craving thing to a negative next level. And I say; ‘This is not healthy!’ They want to marry and they seem to think that the power to do so lies in their hands even though for some; no matter how hard they try, it just doesn’t happen to them. The interesting fact which they overlook however is; at the end of the day, whoever Allah azza wa jal wills to get married, will get married and how that will be done, is no human being’s business. That is not also to say that we do not have to do something about getting ourselves married. After we have tried our best, and we cannot force ourselves to marry those we do not want to marry fiisabilillaah (for the sake of Allah) nor do we have to force men to marry us, we should leave everything in the hands of Allah azza wa jal.

The craving gets worse when the age thing sets in. I am growing too old. No man will want to marry me at such an age (and the men also just make it the more worse) and then people will not stop pressuring (it is as if they are those who are going to live in the marriage for you. Heheheheheeeee). Yet, there are those who are really concerned and help in the healthiest of ways. For them, you should always be grateful and then have mercy upon yourself. 

The Truth Which You Must Know

Every kind of man and the kind of woman he wants. The same applies to the women. It is not every man who will get the kind of woman he wants and it is not every woman who will get the kind of man she wants so the desirability-availability factor comes in. I have dealt with quiet a number of guys (mind you, I always build a barrier; physical and virtual; a woman deals with principles) and some of the things they sometimes tell me they want in a woman makes me laugh my head off. I tell myself: ‘Cho! What is this guy thinking?’ 

Just a gist: A guy said he wanted someone at the age of 27 or early 30s may be because he wanted maturity…I was way below that and then he said, if it is you, then no problem…even if you were in your teens…that sure is funny. I kept asking; ‘Why worry yourself over something as trivial as age when there was a lot more you could bother about?’ But such is the nature of men. They will always have specifics: Age, Skin colour, height, weight, tribe, and the likes which all lead to one thing; the physical being…it is not their fault, it is their right. 

Interesting still, a guy said he wanted someone who speaks Arabic…I don’t speak Arabic…he said if it is you, then it is ok. I ask myself still; ‘Is that how little his ‘wants’ meant to him?’ Why then did he make that a specific? I was wondering how many good girls he could have missed just looking for something like that which obviously wasn’t of so much importance to him anyway. Sometimes I look at the choice of spouse a religious guy, whose family-ambitions I know, makes and I go thinking…(I am the pondering type), ‘Why that?’ And then the results start showing…the dream is getting killed. So, imagine you are a woman who does not have anything that the guys around you want, what do you do? Kill yourself? No! No human being is worth that ever! You must start looking for one kind of man…just one kind of man…

The Kind of Man to Start Looking for

Look for the man who is a religious person and accepts you for the sake of Allah azza wa jal solely. A man who wants a lot more than what he sees. A man who wants the Allah azza wa jal in you. A man who will not think you are too young or too old, too short or too tall, too fair or too dark, too thin or too fat, too rich or too poor, etc. The interesting thing is that; such men are hard to find even though I believe they are everywhere. You must look for a man who respects and works with what Allah azza wa jal and His rasuul suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam says enough to treat you well no matter how he finds you; so far as you are Allah inclined. 

What You do Whiles You Look and Wait

Work on being Allah inclined. Marriage, from what I have learnt from my many mentors and people around, is not just a game of balls. It is a lot more than that. Imagine that the whole of your marriage life could constitute 50% of your worship of Allah azza wa jal. That means it is not something you must play with. You must work at getting the full mark or an excellent pass. It is interesting however how we are suddenly making marriage look like a first/one day affair: the dresses, receptions and all of that. No! That is just an entry point to a lifetime affair if that is what Allah subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa wills. So, if you want to do the Prophet’s sunnah and do it well, you must work on your personality (your understanding, your way of doing things, your knowledge, etc).

So instead of wasting your time and energy craving and obsessing about getting married when it is not happening, work at making yourself the kind of person that your husband when he finally comes will count himself lucky to have. Work at making your children when they ever and or finally come count themselves blessed to have a mother like you.

Among the things you can work on are;

1.      Submissiveness (that is something worth learning if you are thinking of having an awesome home).

2.      Your communication skills and abilities (you must know how to talk to and with your spouse in every kind of situation).

3.      Learn basic things about how to keep a family running no matter the ease or difficulties.

4.      Keeping yourself and home clean, organised and fresh (do not be like one who puts everything everywhere).

5.      Learn about intimacy stuff (some you will learn in the course of the marriage of course; just know basics at least).

6.      Expand your knowledge base, your intelligence, your smartness (you need it if you are ever thinking of bringing up a child; you have to outsmart the little ones).

7.      Child upbringing issues (that is one of the most important; to the Ummah of rasuul).

8.      Work at becoming a ‘Beautiful Soul.’ On this one, I hope to write an article in shaa Allah.
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Do not forget that du'a is the weapon of the believer...it is real...

And the list is endless…

There is so much to do than to worry over nothing. I don’t want to continue writing. I am grateful that you have read this and I pray that Allah subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa accepts from all of us and unite us in His love on the Day of Mutual Loss and Gain. Aameen. I would be glad if you don’t just read my articles but rather ponder on them and work with at least something in it so that we benefit from one another. It is called; ‘the Multiplier Effect.’ Kikikikiiiiiiiiiiiii! Remember that I love you for the sake of Allah, the Mighty and Majestic, and I pray that He loves us even more. Aameen.

Jazaakumullaahu khair always!

Assalaamu alaykum!

www.mmahajia.blogspot.com for my articles

www.rubabawords.blogspot.com for my poetry

Rubaba