Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatahu dear brothers and sisters. I pray that you are in the best state of eemaan and health. May Allah azza wa jal ease for us all of our affairs, accept from us all our good deeds and pardon our shortcomings. Aameen Yaa Allah!
Rivalry can be understood simply as competition for the same objective or for superiority in the same field.
Note the word 'same'.
There is rivalry among industries which mostly have same product lines. They compete with one another for the attention of customers. They compete through a variety of ways, such as; product differentiation, excellent advertisement and packaging, lower price yet great quality, etc in order to be superior compared to others in the same line of work. They want the customer to prefer to buy their products instead of that of others anytime and any day.
We are told of how Abdullah bin Ubayy ibn Salul was soaring heights as a great leader in Yathrib to the point where his people wanted to make him king and then Prophet Muhammad suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam had migrated with his companions to Yathrib. Prophet Muhammad suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam with his awesome personality suddenly won the hearts of the people such that their attention was now directed to him leaving ibn Salul, who became known as the Chief of Hypocrites, without as much command as he used to possess. Then Ibn Salul's rivalry towards rasuulullaah (the Messenger of Allah) began. He did everything to demean the Prophet but to no avail.
Although Sarah had agreed for her husband, Prophet Ibrahim alayhis salaam to marry Haajar who was their helper due to her inability to have a baby, some years later, she felt great rivalry towards Haajar that it became incumbent that their husband took Haajar away to a far place. Sarah did not want to compete with Haajar over her husband.
Aa'isha bint Abubakar radiyallaahu anhum, was extremely jealous of Khadijah bint Khuwailid, who was her husband's first and only wife until her death. Aa'isha felt great rivalry towards her due to the affection with which her husband spoke about her and how he treated anyone connected to his former wife even when she was dead and gone. Aa'isha wanted her husband's full attention.
She narrated that; “I never felt so jealous of any wife of Allah’s Apostle (saws) as I did of Khadija (radiyallaahu anhaa) because Allah’s Apostle (saws) used to remember and praise her too often and because it was revealed to Allah’s Apostle (saws) that he should give her (Khadija (raa)) the glad tidings of her having a palace of Qasab (pipes of precious stones and pearls) in Paradise .”
Wedlock, Marriage (Nikaah) – Shahih Bukhari: Volume 7, Book 62, Number 156
Jealousy is a natural feeling that causes a lot of rivalry in different spheres of life among people. Some jealousy is evil in itself. An example is where a person is jealous of the progress of another which when not curbed could lead to the kind of rivalry where one wishes for the downfall of another. There is also the kind of jealousy which when not acted upon is totally harmless and it may even lead to something good.
An example is where a person feels jealous of someone who performs better than him or her in class and due to that he or she studies hard in order to become as good.
When the Prophet Muhammad suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam had sent a proposal to marry Umm Salma a few years after the death of his wife, Khadijah, she had given him three excuses for which she could not marry him. One of the reasons was that she was an extremely jealous woman. The Prophet did not condemn that jealousy but assured her that he will pray to Allah azza wa jal to take that jealousy out of her heart.
"...jealousy on the part of the husband and wife, if it is of the type that is part of human nature which no woman is free from, then it is excused, so long as she does not overstep the mark and do or say anything that Allaah has forbidden..."
Fath al-Baari, 9/326.
A story is told of a wife whose husband told her that he needs her to buy some items for their mother so that they will send it to her. When he asked how much she would need, she mentioned a small amount. He was surprised but she insisted it was enough so he gave her the amount. She bought a few things and they set off to the mother's place. She realized that her husband was driving towards her mother's house instead. She became alarmed and asked where he was going. He was surprised because he already told her where they were going. He told her that they were going to her mother's place. They call both of their mother's in much the same way but when he had mentioned that they were sending some items to mother, she had, without finding out which mother, thought that it was his mother. She therefore didn't want them to give her anything substantial that was why she took that small amount. Now that she knew they were going to her mother, she felt bad because her mother was going to be disappointed at the few items they had brought her because she knew her husband could buy her a lot more items. She tried to pursued her husband to let them get some more items but he did not agree.
A woman who was married off at a very tender age was left to care for her two boys alone a few years after her marriage because her husband died and none of his family members were willing to help her. She strived hard and did all manner of decent jobs to build up her family. She got a decent house, educated her boys to a great level and fed them well. The kids took over the financial needs of the house when they started working. The elder child got married and there began some few clashes between her and their mother - it was mostly concerned with the kitchen. The mother was a great cook and kept her home organised.
Unfortunately, her son's wife was not great at those things. For peace sake however, she decided to stay away from the kitchen and let her daughter-in-law take care of everything however she wished even though she didn't like it. Though she was fond of both her sons, because the elder one married, she was mostly together with the younger one. They grew very close and he adored her. He will massage her feet, stay with her until late into the night, run errands for her and keep her completely happy. Soon, he also introduced the lady he wanted to marry to his mother. She was excited and she fell in love with the girl's personality from their first meeting.
The girl proved even more lovable with the way she handled the house after marriage and their mother could not hide her affection for her younger son's wife. But soon the mother began feeling lonely as her younger son was now into his wife instead. He no longer kept her that much company. He was not always available for her. She mostly stares at his closed door and she misses chatting with him throughout the night. She began to have negative feelings towards his wife.
With time, due to her incessant complaints, her son began to dislike his wife and they fought a lot. He began to restrict his wife in many things such as the rate at which she visited her family. Her mother always advised her to endure the trials and assured her that it will all pass. This lady had a father who was extremely ill and he was on admission at the hospital. The man was the one who took care of her mother and her when her father died so she considered him her father.
One day, she was told that the man wanted to see her. She told her husband but he told her not to go. Her mother had told her that she will pick her up from her house so that they will go to the hospital together. She had added that she felt the man wanted to spend his last moments with her. The lady pleaded with her husband to make her go to see her father but he said no. His mother was glad to see them fighting. His wife decided to go still. Her mother had come to wait for her down their stairs.
The wife went down the stairs to meet her mother so they could go. Her husband came after her angrily whilst his mum watched them. Her husband shouted that if she went another step, she was never ever going to be his wife again. The wife in tears looked up at him and down at her mother and she went to her mother and they left. That was the end of their marriage.
His mother watched him grow worse by the day out of sorrow. She regretted her contribution to the downfall of her son's marriage. She went to visit her daughter-in-law but she was told that she had moved to another country because she could not handle the death of her father. Her father had died a few minutes after he had seen her that day her husband divorced her.
The women who have been gifted with the ability to carry a baby in their belly and deliver it, can best say the kind of amazing joy they feel when they can finally carry their baby in their hands. This baby if a girl, may one day become a daughter-in-law to another woman and if a man, a husband to another woman.
A man who is a husband is mostly found between two beloved women in his life, his mother and his wife. That should have been among his greatest blessings. Unfortunately however, we mostly find men being put in an uncomfortable situation of having to choose between siding with their wives or their mothers.
I recently heard a story of a husband-to-be who asked his wife-to-be about the cost of what she will wear for Eid. She had not asked him for a penny. She asked him whether he had finished buying his mother's Eid stuff. She added that if he has not fulfilled his mum's needs, he should not bother about hers.
The kind of rivalry that exist between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law is one that is very difficult to fathom. It is difficult for one to tell why a mother will want to compete with her son's wife over the love of her son and why a wife will want to compete with her husband's mother over the love of her husband. Is the love a man has for his mother the same as the love he has for his wife? Definitely, no! So then why would these two women fight over a love that is not the same.
I have always wondered why a mother-in-law will not be happy to see that her son is treating another woman's daughter awesomely. Why will she not be happy knowing that she had brought up a son who is responsible enough to take care of his wife in the proper way? Why will she be angry if her son helps his wife with some house chores and takes care of her financial needs which is his responsibility?
In cases where a son is financially unable to take care of his wife, is it not proper that a mother does so if she is able? Why would a mother want to know the nitty gritty of her son and his wife's marriage?
I have always wondered why some mother-in-laws who were once wives to young men like their sons will not wish that their sons treat their wives how they wish their husbands would have treated them. Would they not have been happy if their husbands had helped them in their chores? Would they not have been happy if their husbands had taken care of all their financial needs to the best of their ability? Would they not have been happy if their husbands had pampered them too? Definitely yes, they would have been. Would they not wish for something like that too for their daughters? So then why would they not be happy for other people's daughters to have the same thing?
Now, to our wives.
I have always maintained that there is absolutely nothing that the husband's mother would do that should warrant disrespect on the part of a daughter-in-law. Yes! I am speaking from the Islamic perspective. What will make anyone disrespect their mother? Nothing! What will make anyone insult their mother? Nothing! In that same way, why will a daughter-in-law for any reason disrespect, insult or fight with her husband's mother?
Why would a daughter-in-law wish for her husband to not take care of his mother both emotionally and financially? Why would she not want to see her husband giving his mother who had carried him in her womb, delivered and catered for him, all the respect that she deserves? Why would she not be happy when her husband serves his mother like every righteous child is supposed to?
Why would a daughter-in-law be angry if her husband's mother corrects her in anything? Would she be angry if her mother does same? Even when her mother-in-law is the difficult type, would she mistreat her own mother if she were the difficult type?
Would she love for her brother's wife to treat her mother in the manner in which she treats her mother-in-law? Will she love that someday her son's wife treats her in the manner she treats her mother-in-law? Why do some women think that it is better to marry a man who has lost his mother? Will they be happy for any woman to pray they die so that they could marry their sons?
These are questions that both mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws should ask themselves. At least, daughter-in-laws should know that one day, they would become mother-in-laws so that they change the status quo.
Rivalry should never have existed between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law. It should have been a beautiful relationship where a mother is happy to see that her son has a companion with whom he would share his life and that she has an addition to her family.
A daughter-in-law should be extremely happy to have another mother in her life and to treat her with love and kindness as she would her mother.
Doing this could bring a lot of serenity and joy to most families which are breaking down due to this unnecessary rivalry between mother-in-laws and their daughter-in-laws.
It is not going to be easy for both the mother-in-laws and the daughter-in-laws but if the mother-in-law thinks of the daughter-in-law as a daughter and the daughter-in-law thinks of the mother-in-law as a mother, every unwanted behaviour could be tolerated and every correction would be welcomed respectively. They will need an abundance of patience, compassion, kindness and understanding for this to work.
We must just take note that there is absolutely nothing that should bring about a rivalry between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law ever. A mother-in-law should push her son to take excellent care of his wife and a wife should push her husband to take excellent care of his mother. This is how it should be always.
When women support one another, great things happen. Think and reflect about it. Share the information with others and let us all put our efforts together in making right this unnecessary canker. Jazaakumullaahu khayran for reading. Smile to Jannah!
Rubaba Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu-Morla
www.mmahajia.blogspot.cim
www.rubabawords.blogspot.com
www.letterstomydotas.blogspot.com
www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com
www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com
