Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuh. I pray
that we are all doing excellent by Allah’s unflinching grace. Alhamdulillaah
for the blessing of this deen. Alhamdulillaah for the blessing of this
brotherhood. Alhamdulillaah for the greatest of gifts; the guidance of Allah.
May Allah azza wa jal keep us on His guidance forever. Aameen.
And I got a kick this evening whiles coming home from
work. I was thinking real hard about some issues concerning us; the Muslimahs. Our
situation gets a lot more pathetic over time. I know deep down somewhere that
most of these are signs of the Akhira (the end time) but I believe that we all
owe it to Allah Robbil ‘Arshil ‘Azeem (the Lord of the Mighty Throne) to direct
one another towards Allah azza wa jal. So, this is my portion on a bit of the
many problems confronting us and I guess it might get a lot lengthier but my
loyal readers have always got this tolerance for me; jazaakumullaahu khairan
always.
Some Stories
I remember quite clearly one evening when I was in
Senior High School One. One of the form three sisters whom I was free with and
who respected me a lot (I had that treat in SHS 1, smiles) came up to me on the
veranda looking very worried. She had something to talk about and she thought I
could be the right person to talk to. What did she have to say?
‘Someone broke my
virginity when I went home.’
Oh yes! I heard right. Before I say what my reaction
was; she had been ‘lucky’ to get permission (that was something that was almost
impossible in my SHS) to go home for a day or two I guess and that was what she
earned.
My Reaction
Well, apart from the novels I used to read, I did not
know anything else concerning these things. I was shouting within me about how
she could possibly do that when she was almost getting done with school. Many
questions, no answers! Fortunately for me, all that emotion didn’t show on my
face. I remember she kept talking and my mind kept wondering. In the long run
she was extremely worried about one thing;
‘Was she going to
get pregnant?’
The Virgins Club
One day, I found myself chairing a programme at the
University of Ghana when I was in my final year. I sat between a lecturer (man)
and a mother and mentor of mine who were the speakers. I felt so out of place
and something came up: the lecturer said;
‘Why don’t you form
a virgin’s club?’
And my mentor supported. I could not believe my eyes
and ears. Virgin’s what? Challey! I could not imagine a number of girls coming
together to form a group because they are virgins. The disadvantages abound. It
doesn’t seem advisable to me that ladies tempt to form such a group as that
will be a big blow to many in the faces. How would we even be sure that the
members of such a group are all as they say they are? How could we incorporate
our ‘secondary virgins’ into the whole Islamic system?
The Question: To
Answer or Not To Answer
I have seen a particular question come up for
discussion among Muslim ladies a number of times. It is;
‘What should you tell a yet-to-be husband who asks you
whether you are a virgin or not?’
At this question, some people will easily go off with
anger. Why will he ask in the first place? Is he a virgin too? What will he do
if he finds out she is not a virgin? Leave her and then spread the message to
others? What if she says she is and he finds out after marriage that she is
not? Is he going to leave her? If he was hoping she was a virgin, is he going
to cause himself emotional distress by finding out she is not? Why doesn’t he
wait since he is already getting married to find out for himself? I wonder;
will the reluctance of a woman to answer to such a question be taken to mean
she is not a virgin? The issue is that dicey.
Another question is; Is virginity that important for a
guy to want to know whether his wife-to-be is one or not? I wish I could have
people’s opinion here but all the same, let’s move on. I recall a story;
One day, a man came to the ‘Ameer Al-Mu’mineen, Umar
ibn Al-Khattab radiyallaahu anhu to seek his advice. His problem was that some
years back, his daughter had fornicated but then she had repented. Now, she had
a suitor and he was thinking; should he tell him about the fact that she wasn’t
a virgin?
The ‘Ameer Al-Mu’mineen radiyallaahu anhu asked him
whether he would reveal that which Allah azza wa jal had concealed. He also
advised that he should marry her off as a chaste woman.’
I also wish that we could all go to youtube to watch a
short movie by the Deen Show titled; ‘Change of Heart’ for some mind blowing
lessons. If you cannot access youtube, you can read the story (I typed verbatim
the video) in my blog.
A Recent Bitter
Story
I am told about a respectable public person who is
misusing a young girl. This man who is married broke the girl’s virginity in
his car (that is what she says). Any time she requests for money from him (she
is a needy person and that is how it mostly starts), he has to have his way
with her until things did not work out and she had to report to an Islamic
Counselling Centre for help. The man had promised he was going to marry her.
And then, many similar ones came up.
The girl says; she had been naïve about the gravity of
what she involved herself in. She did not know that having sex was such a big
deal in Islam (a Senior High School girl). Who do we blame? The girl, the man,
her parents or her community? And she is just one girl with the same story with
a thousand others.
My Adorable
Daughter tells me
I have a lot of children especially daughters. One of
them; she just turned 14, has been having some serious heart-to-heart
discussions with me. She tells me about a girl in her class (when she was in
J.H.S., she is now going to S.H.S.) who was being used by the guys and a
teacher (this teacher goes from girl to girl) in the school. It was so serious
that the school had to suspend both she and the teacher. She said that the girl
had done abortion before. She told me about how some boys in her class and some
teachers have been worrying her and then she talked about those she felt
totally uncomfortable with (she didn’t want to get attracted).
So we see, little girls are not left out of the ‘losing
it’ game.
Why is Virginity
Important to a Man?
I should have probably captioned it as; ‘Why is
virginity important to humanity?’ But I will narrow the importance of virginity
to Islam alone.
We know too well that sexual immorality is completely
frowned upon by Allah, azza wa jal. He warns us explicitly by saying;
‘And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse.
Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.’
(Surat Al-‘Isra’, the
Night Journey, Chapter 17 ayah 32)
As an unmarried man or woman, when you obey this rule,
you could not find yourself as anything other than a virgin. When the importance
of staying away from unlawful sexual intercourse is found in the Qur’an, we do
not then care who says what anymore.
It is therefore incumbent upon all of us (the men and
the women) to give absolute priority to virginity because we are Muslims and
our law is made only by Allah subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa.
Apart from this being important from this perspective,
we can also look at the social importance of virginity to both the woman and
the man.
To the Muslimah
I have something that I always say to myself and I keep
posting and sharing. It is;
‘Do not make for
yourself the kind of history that you will not want to be played to you when
you move to another stage.’
That is to say that; we human beings are constantly in
a state of change both positively and negatively. We realize that we hold this
opinion today and the next day we hold that opinion instead. We like doing
these things today, and then the other things tomorrow. I hope you are getting
what I am driving at.
Now, a woman has for one reason or the other become the
one who carries the physical burden of unlawful sexual intercourse. That is;
‘She is the one who
either gets pregnant or gets shamed’
Pregnant is understandable. What do I mean by ‘shamed’?
For most men who will end up doing illegal things like that with a woman, you
will realize that they will as well not mind telling it to their friends and
even boasting about it, nastagfirullaah. They take pride in the number of women
whose backs they have put down. That was a proverb (smile to Jannah). Funny
enough, it is only a handful of people who blame this men and even look down
upon them for their actions but almost everyone begins to see the woman
involved with such a man with the ‘left eye’ and they call her names.
A woman who keeps herself intact however does not have
this to deal with. At least, the men who sit together at ‘joints’ and ‘by the
road sides’ to talk about all sorts of things (those that will benefit them and
those that will not) will not have her as a subject for discussion. That alone,
is a great relief.
To the Muslim Man
I will like to go straight to his wedding night when he
is finally permitted to have his way with his bride without the watch eyes. To
do this; we have to know that there are various shades of men just like there
are women.
Some of them are religious and some are not. The
religious men also have shades just like the non-religious men. It could be
that before a man became religious, he did things (understand?) and changed
over for the better so you could not find him a virgin. It could also be that
the religious person has always been so but his weakness is women so he just
allows himself go (unpardonable in most cases, he should work at lowering his
gaze). In that case, you will not find him a virgin also. It could also be that
the religious man has always been so from childhood so he might not have
ventured into that area at all. In that case you might find him a virgin. Note
that the fact that he has always been religious doesn’t mean he is perfect
(smiles).
Each of these men has a variety of expectations when
they are finally with their bride. The hard truth however is; no matter what
kind of life a man has led, if he hadn’t had his way with the woman he married
before the marriage, he yearns to find her untouched. Do not ask the women, ask
the men!
So, he ends up finding out that he is not the first.
What do you think could be going on in his mind? Let me try to give the likely
things that could crop up; note also that in this case, disappointment has
already set in (even though it could be handled well based on who).
1.
He might say;
‘Well, that is ok. Allah knows best!’
2.
He might dwell on
the disappointment for a while and then let himself be.
3.
He might create a
little trouble and also take a rest.
4.
He might wonder;
‘Who could have been first?’
5.
He might wonder yet
again; ‘Was it only one or two?’
6.
The moment when he
meets her guy friends; ‘Could he have been the one?’
7.
Some will go
straight away and ask and his bride’s response will define the happenings that
will follow.
8.
And the list goes
on… (I numbered that too…)
My friend and sister will say; ‘Our Muslim guys are
over-obsessed about virginity.’ I won’t
mention her name otherwise... And then I asked her; ‘If it were you who was the
man, will you want anything else?’ May be we should all try to answer this only
to ourselves. Pondering is a good and a healthy thing to do.
There is another truth that seems to be swept down the
carpet. That is…
The Virgin Who Does
Other Things
So, there are women who try their utmost best to keep
themselves intact but lose a lot more. Talk about all kinds of romance and they
have done it sometimes not just with one man, but a lot more. The only thing
they make sure of is not to cross the border.
The question here is;
‘Which does a man
prefer; the harm and loss of dignity which he cannot see or know such as that
or the other harm which he can find out (loss of virginity)?’
In that case, we are asking the man to tell us which
his choice will be of various women who have lost their virginity and one kind
of virgin. The virgin being the kind that has been explained here and the other
various kinds of non-virgins some of who are;
1.
She doesn’t see
anything of a big deal in being intimate with men whom she was not married to
so she just does it.
2.
She was like that
before and she changed over for the better.
3.
She was sexually
abused and so she lost it.
4.
And many others…
So, which will a Muslim man prefer; ‘that kind of
virgin up there against these shades of non-virgins.’ With the obsession they
say the men have, I don’t know whether they will still go for the former but of
course; ask the men, don’t ask the women.
The Case of Hayaa
So, hayaa, is a broad subject and I want to use just a
bit of it here. In a popular hadith, the noble Prophet Muhammad, the Peace and
Blessings of Allah be upon him, says;
"Faith
(Belief) consists of more than sixty branches. And Hayaa’ (self-respect,
modesty, bashfulness, scruple, etc.) is a part of faith."
(Bukhari)
Hayaa is that important in the life of a Muslim. I will
look at Hayaa simply as;
‘Having a sense of
shame for a wrong action’
Human beings have naturally been created with a sense
of shame. They say that is what differentiates us from animals. That is the
more reason why man learnt to cover his body which he could not afford to
subject to public scrutiny. Therefore, where the community or religion has not
given a man and a woman permission to be together and be intimate, man and
woman should naturally be ashamed to do that with each other. That is why the
public outcry against such things when they sprout in our communities. That is
why the many name-calling of people who lose this shame. The Prophet Muhammad
suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam said;
‘If you have no
shame, do whatever you want.’
And I hope to write an article on lowering of the gaze
soon in shaa Allah. May Allah azza wa jal make us among those who are blessed
with the best of hayaa. Aameen.
We Have a Problem:
Agree
When a Muslim girl in the Senior High School does not
know the big deal about keeping her virginity, then we have a huge problem as
parents, as a Muslim community and an Ummah in totality. And that is why I
always tell my Muslim sisters that just as you dream of marrying and being the
best of wives as much as you could, do the same for how you would bring up a
child. It is such a a huge job. So many of our mothers are going through
various challenges with their daughters from which we must learn. What I think
most of the time is that; all that we do with child upbringing is ‘trial and
error.’ When the child turns out good, that is well enough, if he or she turns
out bad, well…It is that very serious. So sisters, let us all get up and doing
and grabbing our young girls and putting in their minds that indeed, virginity
is still a thing to fight to protect even now.
Marrying a
non-Virgin
So, I was against the ‘virgins club’ because I thought
of all the ‘secondary virgins’ and all the others who just didn’t do the virgin
thing. I thought of what a group of girls who tagged themselves virgins could
probably be calling upon themselves. Among the many negatives are that:
1.
The
self-righteousness feel is a disease and this club could well create something
like that.
2.
Bad men will make
these girls their target.
3.
Bad women will hire
bad men to do the same (our community isn’t a safe place).
4.
Secondary virgins
(those who have changed over for the better) cannot fit in.
5.
Virgins who don’t
want to put their virginity in people’s eyes and noses are not going to be a
part.
6.
How will people
consider those who aren’t members of this club? (I can’t say smile to Jannah).
The one advantage that is most important to me would
have been that some of our girls will yearn to keep themselves intact in order
to be a part of such a club yet even this is not enough for something like
that.
Is there any harm in marrying a single Muslimah who is
not a virgin? Well, I can’t say for sure but let me take us to the video that
the Deen Show did that I mentioned above. In the video, you will see in clear
terms how bad the whole thing can get with a husband and a wife when the bad
past of another crops up.
The video features a man who had been ‘bad’ before and
his pious wife. They meet an old friend of the husband and things about his wife’s
bad past came up. He gets angry and he wouldn’t talk to her. He could not
believe that the woman who had helped him to shoot up his eemaan (faith) was
actually that bad. Meaning, she’d faked all of her righteousness.
Some of his friends advised him that he should leave
her and go for a better woman and the others advised him to go back for his
wife because it was human to be bad today and change over the next time and the
change was more important. They used he himself as an example.
His wife advises her little sister about being careful
about what she does now because Allah azza wa jal will forgive us but sometimes
the results of those bad deeds will get to us as it was happening to her.
In the long run, they made up after an educative chat.
She asked her husband one thing that I want to ask all my Muslim brothers. I
put the question in my words;
‘Is the sin of a
woman who goes around doing things with guys greater than that of a man who
does the same?’
So, I give a simple advice to my Muslim brothers, if
you found your wife intact that adds to the joy but if you don’t find her
intact, do not start looking at her with the negative eye because at the end of
the day, it goes against your marriage. I have always believed that as human
beings, to be content with our lives as they come, we should not worry our
heads over what we have no control.
I am not dealing with the men much because I have
always been a lot more interested in women because our troubles keep
multiplying. The woman must make it her business to keep herself intact if she
has not already lost it and where she has, she can always bounce back. That
will preserve her dignity both in the sight of Allah, the Most High, and in the
sight of humans. Let us have some shame for our bodies.
I have said more than enough. Let me leave you to
ponder on all that I could have said which I didn’t say, where you agree with
me and where you disagree with me. May Allah azza wa jal be the Custodian of
our lives forever. Aameen. Remember that Rubaba loves you fiisabilillaah and
may Allah subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa love us most. Aameen.
Jazaakumullaahu
khair always!
Assalaamu alaykum!
www.mmahajia.blogspot.com for my articles
www.rubabawords.blogspot.com for my poetry
Rubaba Elhaam
Mmahajiia-Rahma Sabtiu-Morla
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