AFTER ELECTION: The Princess Loses Her Crown

Bismil Laahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu dear brothers and sisters. It is my prayer that you are in the best state of everything that Allah azza wa jal loves of His noble servants. I pray that Allah azza wa jal makes completely easy for you this life and may He azza wa jal gift you His love and the love of those who love Him. Aameen Yaa Wahhaab Yaa Waduud Yaa Allah.

I am here again, heheheeee. You know that popular saying, 'After election what what what?!' I keep thinking through to see whether it applies to every kind of election or it is only talking about some specific ones. Let's walkthrough together now to see.

Elections for Assembly Men and Women is almost here and so we see flyers of them everywhere. Do I know the Assembly Man of my area? Heheheeee! No, I don't. Why? Because it is not election time. Laugh small. Yes, the last time I saw him and the numerous other people who wanted to win my vote was during the past election. They had followed us to our houses then and if we had permitted it, they would have entered even our rooms. After the elections, they go their way because of course, they have had what they wanted. This year too, they are going to come back and the routine continues. Interesting huh!

This is the story of most elections - Presidential, Parliamentary, etc- for the whole country and for institutions.

Now, let us put politics aside. Are you single or married? Ok. Have you ever heard any of these before?

~ Your voice just blows my mind. It is so serene. Give me the opportunity to hear it everyday please.

~ I don't care how you look or what you have, I just love the fact that you are so Allah conscious.

~ I promise to take excellent care of you no matter what, forever.

~ I wish I had met you before my wife. You fit into my dreams perfectly.

~ The way you smile is just so beautiful.

~ I will walk to the moon and back for you.

~ You are my life, my love, my happiness. My all in all.

~ You are just what I have always been looking for.

~ A freshly laid egg is beautiful, warm in the palm and precious to the hen. That is how I will handle and pamper you.

~ Is there anything higher than my love for you? I wouldn't mind climbing beyond Kilimanjaro to reach you, even if I fall in the process.

I am sure you are laughing by now and recalling all the sweet words you've heard from men, either your husbands or those yet to marry you or those you aren't even considering. I coined these ones except the last two. A friend was told that and her head was reeling. Heheheeee!

Let me tell you a story. So, she got married. Then she was taken by surprise. This is definitely not the Sulley she said yes to and even went ahead to marry. I chose the name for him myself. I know the story but I don't know the names of the people involved.

Sulley used to bring her gifts ranging from sumptuous foods of all kinds to clothing to many others. Sulley was just so affectionate then. He gave her full attention then. They could talk for hours either on phone or in person. It was just too beautiful.

What happened to Sulley? Did someone hit his head? Did someone's evil eye blind him. Hassana could not believe how completely uncaring and difficult her beloved husband has suddenly become. He just didn't want anything to do with her - not even intimacy. The voice he used to yearn to hear has become a nuisance to him.

When she had succeeded in getting him to get her pregnant, he wouldn't foot a single hospital bill. Well, even before that, he gave her peanuts and then stopped giving totally. She is due to deliver now, she had to buy all her hospital items herself - her business almost collapsing because she doesn't even have the strength to keep it booming. Anytime she made an attempt to leave, people will talk her into rescinding her decision. Now, she is waiting to deliver her baby and run. Sad huh! But this is reality.

They say after election, cease all campaigns. Hahahahaaaa!

In one of Mufti Ismail Menk's lectures, he told a story. There was a gentle man who proposed marriage to a gentle lady. When the lady asked about his character, she was told how completely patient and gentle he was. She was glad. Before the marriage, his friends advised him to try to do something to put fear in his wife otherwise she will not respect him due to his calm soul. He took their advise and kept a black cat in his bedroom and on the wedding night they heard noise in the room. He looked for the cat and killed it mercilessly in a way that terrified his bride.

From then, he only spoke to her in a commanding tone and she was always running helter skelter to his bidding.

She could not handle it anymore so she decided to tell his family about it and they gave her an idea. One dawn, he commanded that he wanted his breakfast at exactly seven but she was unperturbed. She asked him jokingly about what he would do if she doesn't get it by seven. Then he said;

'Then, I will go to the kitchen and do it myself."

She has wasted her energy running around for days over nothing.

But then, the question still holds, 'Why will a man want his wife to fear him? Why? Why? Why?'

Among the many headaches of some married women I have had an encounter with is the fact that the love shown them before marriage was totally gone a few weeks, months or years into the marriage. Some even turned into hatred. One married woman told me,

'But dating is way sweeter than marriage...'

Then I thought of why on earth that should be so because I believe that at least for a Muslim, this should not be the case.

So many years ago, I was tasked to write a book on Muslim women in Ghana by one of my mothers and mentors, Hajia Samia. She told me to contact Dr Rabiatu Armah for supervision. I was fresh in level 100 in the University of Ghana then. A friend decided to partner with me. So, we called Dr Armah one evening and she laughed when she heard about our wanting to write on such a subject when we were so young and in level 100. She invited us to her office and we went. In the end, she was impressed with us - me especially because I was hijabed even though I was coming from a missionary High School. From then, she showed us who to interview and what to do.

Why am I telling you all these? Because the book was never finished not to talk of publishing it. Why? The two last women I interviewed ended it. They made me conclude that it was not right for me to write the story then. I will be doing great injustice to their stories. Even though I had a number of influential people pushing me, I still put it on hold. The stories of these two women, who happen to be sisters, are very relevant to my write up today.

The younger sister's story...

She had someone she wanted to marry but her family refused and rather gave her hand into marriage to someone who seemed more responsible to them. She was a health worker then. After her marriage to this man, life became a living hell for her. She had a still birth due to ill treatment. Later, she had two children. She was stopped from working as a health assistant and instead made to sell tea at the Rawlings Park at nights. Forty days after her second child was born, she and her children were sent packing.

With no parents to turn to, her elder sister took her in. Her elder sister, who had five children, became a mother to both she and her children.

Interestingly, about sixteen years later, the man whom her parents had refused to make her marry heard about the fact that she was single. He then married her without knowing that she  was now a successful woman who even owned a hospital. And of course, he was the regional chief Imam of his region.

The details of her story and how much she cried on the day she told me this - and I even cried more than her - made me put my pen down. I was not matured enough for that job.

The elder sister's story...

She was given the opportunity to be educated at a time when education of the girl child especially was not encouraged by her people. When she was considered matured enough to marry, she was given a husband. Being an educated woman who knew what she wanted, she wanted to refuse the arrangement. Her suitor was as old as her grandfather. Some of his children could give birth to her. But she thought of how it will look like if she refused. Her younger siblings will not be allowed to school again because they will think it is the education that made her disobedient. So, she unwillingly went ahead to marry him.

What was she expecting? A life of sorrow. But that is not what she had. Her husband was completely supportive in her progress. He pushed her to be the best she could be. He encouraged her to go to the University and further.

That is not to say that her whole life was rosy but the fact that her husband became the opposite of what she thought he was going to be was enough to give her some serenity.

So in her case, she actually gained a crown after the election and not before it. Keep smiling.

Allah subhaanahu wa ta aalaa tells us in the Qur'an, Surat Ar-Rum, Chapter 30 ayah 21 that:

"And of His Signs is that He has created mates for you from your own kind that you may find peace in them and He has set between you love and mercy. Surely there are Signs in this for those who reflect.

This is a beautiful ayah that is worth pondering upon. But then you hear a lot of 'scholars' 'people' say that a few months or years into marriage, love finishes and then it is left with mercy. Interesting huh! So, some women aren't even perturbed when their husbands start packing them aside and chasing after new ones. I always wonder, is it that we mistaken love for lust or what? May be you can educate me on this in the comment section.

If we were to follow the ideal...

Islam does not encourage too much familiarity before marriage so it is after marriage that intimacy and all other things are allowed. I always wonder how love should diminish with knowing and becoming intimate and closer to your spouse. If you want to be romantic, is that not the best time to be? Heheheeee. Now that the law allows you anything. And when children start coming, should the children not bind you even the more? Well, let me make this a topic for another day

Every human being needs love for a more serene and happy life. When we love one another, we achieve so much. Prophet Muhammad suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam taught us to love one another genuinely. We see how he softened the hearts of people who hated him by giving them love in diverse ways.

Lack of love, affection and attention for women after marriage leads a lot of them into doing the unthinkable - put having unnecessary close relationships with other guys aside. Some of them mess up real bad in their quest for love. The first thing of course for many of them is the regret of not having chosen the 'other suitors' whom they believe could have loved them better.

For example, the pregnant woman in a bitter marriage who is waiting to run after giving birth lives in serious regret of not choosing her other suitor. You remember her story, right? This woman rejected this other man because he was a heavy duty truck driver and so he traveled a lot. She thought he will not have time for her when he marries her so as much as he tried to win her over, she pushed him away and rather chose her seemingly loving husband then. Interestingly, the one she rejected is now married and even living abroad with his wife whiles she is being treated like garbage. Heheheeee! You can imagine her misery, right?

A woman who always keeps her hair unkempt, married woman, was asked by her neighbour, a man, of why she doesn't take good care of her hair. They are Muslims. She is married. How did he see her hair? Well, most of our local Muslimahs don't give a damn. She told him her husband doesn't give her money for that and he decided to volunteer to take on that job so every week, he gives her money for her hair. We can all imagine where Shaytaan will lead this to, right? True story.

There is this other woman too whose husband cheats on her like crazy. The two of them have become like a cat and a dog. No mawadda and no rahma. Just pure disdain. She decided to teach her husband a lesson so she came out to the compound of their house in 'strict' shorts and a tiny shirt. A compound house for that matter. Fortunately and unfortunately, almost everyone was not around except one male neighbour. He came out and told her how nice her shorts are. He asked the price of the shorts and paid her for them. What is next? You and I can imagine that perfectly. True story.

It is dangerous when even married women begin to behave in such a manner but usually their husbands are the cause - they leave them loveless, attentionless, they try to terrify them and then worse of all some even clearly let them know they don't want them. They start to chase other women making them feel lonely and some of them just simply lose their grip.

I could tell you a lot of stories of such nature but the long and short of it is that if you are single, you want to be careful not to marry your enemy. Even though who you marry will solely be based on the decree of Allah azza wa jal, try your best not to contribute to marrying a monster.

If you are a married woman who has all the love and attention of your husband, I pray that Allah, Al-Waduud, increase you in that. If you are however in a loveless marriage, all hope isn't lost. Try to find solutions to that but never ever compromise your chastity, values and morals as a Muslimah.

If you are a man reading this, you know what I want to tell you already, right? Keep smiling for sadaqa. Jazaakumullaahu khairan for reading. Share with me your thoughts in the comment section. May Allah azza wa jal increase us in beautiful love for one another for His sake solely and may He love us most. Aameen Yaa Waduud Yaa Allah. And yes! Don't forget me in your du'a. Smiles.


Rubaba Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu-Morla
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