Bismil Laahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu dear brothers and sisters. I pray you are super awesome by the unflinching grace of Allah subhaanahu wa ta aalaa. Indeed, if we wanted to count the blessings Allah azza wa jal has endowed us with, never and ever would we be able to count them. We are definitely in need of more of His bounties. May He, azza wa jal, shower upon us more. Aameen Yaa Fattau Yaa Razzak Yaa Wahhaab Yaa Allah.
Now, today, I am going to write about a beautifully awesome talkshow we had on Sunday, the 29th of December, 2018. The talk was on maximizing the benefits of our single life and choosing the right spouses. Interestingly, most of the participants were married. We however achieved our target of making the talkshow for all categories of ladies because the partipants were made up of;
1. A mother who has been married for over 30/40 years.
2. A first wife of three wives.
3. A second wife.
4. A third wife.
5. A divorcée.
6. A single lady
7. A lady married to a 'burger'.
8. And the other married sisters.
Now, before the talk started, I had the privilege of being told a super fabulous story by one of the particants.
The story...
She has a sister-in-law who has not been able to give birth seventeen years after marriage. This lady had tried all her best to convince her husband to marry again but her husband will not hear of it. The one telling me the story had given birth and her mother-in-law sent this sister-in-law to see her at the hospital. When this lady saw the new born, she told his mother that it was her first time of seeing a new born.
Within some months after this, she became pregnant after many years of waiting and wailing. I guess we have all probably heard of people becoming pregnant many years after marriage so the story might not sound so 'something'. The interesting aspect of the story however is:
When she had seen the new born for the first time, she made a du'a. From the deepest and sincerest part of her, knowing that Allah azza wa jal is Al-Mujeeb, she had prayed saying;
'Yaa Allah! If such a baby is good for me, then bless me with one.'
Isn't this amazing? True and clear belief in the fact that Allah azza wa jal is a God of possibilities is what pushed her to make such a beautiful du'a. Right after making this du'a, she missed her period. She didn't even bother because missing her period was a normal thing. This time however, within a few weeks, she was feeling all the pregnancy things but she still ignored them because she couldn't bring herself to believe she could be pregnant. Then she had to do the pregnancy test and it came out positive. We can all tell her excitement. But she still thought that it could all be a mirage until her stomach started blowing up. Now, she is almost about to give birth but says that until she holds the baby in her hands, she will not believe she is going to be a mother.
Do you recall the story of how Prophet Zakariya, alayhis salaam, had prayed for a miracle after witnessing Allah azza wa jal's miracle with Maryam, alayhas salaam? This is a typical example. Let this ignite our trust and believe in the power of dua.
Back to our talkshow...
We started by introducing ourselves, saying something small about our single lives and how we met our husbands. One interesting story came up. This woman never saw or spoke with her husband until their first night as husband and wife and they have been married for almost twenty years now.
They had an arranged marriage and she was very young. She just wanted to do as her parents wished. Now, a Muslimah scholar, who was part of the participants, made it clear that though such a thing seemed praiseworthy, it was not Islamic. She mentioned that the Prophet Mohammed suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam encouraged that the yet to be spouses see each other before marriage proceeds.
A discussion on the causes of problems in marriages came up and as participants stated various reasons, one of them said;
'The problems we encounter in marriages are due to one thing only and that is ignorance of the laid down practices of Islam.'
She believed that whatever it is, if both a wife and a husband are enlightened about their roles in connection to one other in Islam, their problems will be limited. There was a talk on how being patient in marriage is key for the success of the marriage but there is a limit to that patience. We are not encouraged by Islam to be patient with something that overburdens us. A typical example is where a wife is told severally to be patient with a husband who beats her.
A situation of whether it is right for a woman to say she prefers to marry a rich or poor man came up. Of course, some women think that marrying a man who is already successful is not the best as the man and or his family may not respect you. Others also think that it is wiser to marry a rich man than a poor man because you may sacrifice so much for a poor man but the moment he becomes rich, he will begin treating you like trash. A conclusion was arrived at that a man being well to do or poor is not the most important. What is important is that the person understands Islam and your right upon him as a wife. This is because if he is poor or rich but is religious, then he will not do as stated above.
Someone brought up the issue of whether it is the right of the woman to sign a marriage contract with her husband. It was explained that signing of a marriage contract is something that the couple could decide to do or not. What women have to note however is that if a man signs in the contract that he will never for example marry anyone but his wife and in the future he changes his mind, the worse that could mostly happen is divorce provided the wife will not accept any kind of compensation. What then is the point of signing such a contract? If anything at all, the couple should agree to realistic things and endeavour to fulfill them.
One of the known causes of divorce is the interference of family into the marriage of their children. Women who get married to men who live abroad and who do not send them abroad after marriage mostly find themselves in an entangled web of family troubles. Most of the time, The family of these husbands, if they are not in good terms with the wives, feed the husbands with all kinds of negative things about their wives, some may be untrue. These men, if they are not responsible enough, believe in these things and as a result start treating their wives with disdain. Some even completely lose trust for their wives. In the long run, most of these women get divorced when they least expect it. Such was the story of the divorced lady among us. But alhamdulillaah, her separation with her husband, whom she married young, has rather helped her to become a better and a more empowered woman who knows what she wants.
Allah azza wa jal tells us that He created man and woman and he put between them, 'love' and 'mercy'. Interestingly, some of our local scholars and elders hold the notion that love in marriage does not last long but mercy is what could be everlasting in marriage. They believe that after a few months or years into marriage, the love couples feel for each other diminishes and in the long run, the marriage survives on mercy. I personally have had a reservation to this from the first time I heard it. We see Allah azza wa jal sth how much He loves some particular people in the Qur'an. We also see how much He talks about how merciful He is upon the whole of humanity. The lesson I learn from this is that even though you may love someone enough to marry them, it is the mercy you have towards them that will make you overlook some things you may not love about them. And of course, you could never really love everything about a person.
It was pointed out that this notion is wrong and the evidence of love being able to last till forever is featured in the marriage of Rasuulullaah suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam and his wife, Naana Khadijah Bint Khuwaylid. The Prophet loved her intensely and he expressed this love even years after her death. That alone is enough to discard their claim. The only time they will be right is where the love was based on useless worldly things.
There was a touch on polygamy which will be a major aspect of the second session which will come off on the 18th of January, 2020 in shaa Allah. If Allah azza wa jal allowed polygyny, then however we argue on it, it is good and we must not detest it. One of the participants mentioned that when a young woman's husband marries again, it is actually a greater test than when an elderly woman's husband does. She explained this by saying that usually such a woman is at her prime and needs her husband more in terms of intimacy, finance, child upbringing and all that. However, most women at a little earlier age lose interest in intimacy and their concentration is mostly on how to help their children become successful in life. This is also the time that most men become sexually active and feel lonely because of neglect by their wives. When such a man marries, the pain is a lot less.
She added that first wives also face greater tests than subsequent ones because they might have sacrificed their all for their husbands and when these men get rich enough to give them a better life, then they go in for other wives who shares in these latest riches that they have not contributed to.
There was a counter opinion that even for the second and subsequent wives, polygamy is a test because it isn't easy deciding to marry a man who is already married. To this, it was explained that the fact that she has the right to decide or not is an advantage to her. It will be her choice to enter or not and that makes it less of a trial. For the first wife, it is going to change her whole life as she will have to adapt to not having her husband to herself anymore. It is a lot more painful if she has struggled with him to create a certain package that is acceptable to the subsequent wives.
The case of the attachment first wives mostly have with their husbands came up. Some first wives, if not most of them, have lived with their husbands for years and they know them in and out. When subsequent wives come, they tend to battle with the fact that their husbands are more attached to their first wives or let's say, they seem to love them more. Some disagreed with this. Let me end it here on polygamy. Join our next session to speak your mind on this issue.
Who is responsible for domestic work? Cooking especially. We discussed this matter briefly. Someone mentioned that in Islam, that job is for the females. She gave an instance of where Naana Khadijah Bint Khuwaylid, radiyallaahu anhaa, went to serve Rasuulullaah suallallaahu alayhi wa salaam and Malakul Jibril sent salaams from Allah azza wa jal to her. This and other instances where the women were said to have prepared food during the Prophet's time indicate that it is a woman's job. The man should be the financial provider for the home. That is not to say they both cannot help one another in their duties especially in these times when women are contributing greatly to the upkeep of the family.
All in all, we had a great talk as sisters even though the programme could not start on time. We hope to have an awesome one again next time and we will love for you to join us. You can share with me all that you think about what we discussed in Shaa Allah.
Jazaakumullaahu khairan always for making time to read this. May Allah azza wa jal love you extremely. Aameen Yaa Waduud Yaa Waliyyu Yaa Allah. And in the end we say, 'Alhamdulillaah.' May Allah azza wa jal shower an abundance of His peace and mercy upon Rasuulullaah, his household and his companions. Aameen Yaa Allah.
Rubaba Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu-Morla
+233 555392722 (WhatsApp)
www.mmahajia.blogspot.com
www.rubabawords.blogspot.com
www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com
www.letterstomydotas.blogspot.com
www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com
Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu dear brothers and sisters. I pray you are super awesome by the unflinching grace of Allah subhaanahu wa ta aalaa. Indeed, if we wanted to count the blessings Allah azza wa jal has endowed us with, never and ever would we be able to count them. We are definitely in need of more of His bounties. May He, azza wa jal, shower upon us more. Aameen Yaa Fattau Yaa Razzak Yaa Wahhaab Yaa Allah.
Now, today, I am going to write about a beautifully awesome talkshow we had on Sunday, the 29th of December, 2018. The talk was on maximizing the benefits of our single life and choosing the right spouses. Interestingly, most of the participants were married. We however achieved our target of making the talkshow for all categories of ladies because the partipants were made up of;
1. A mother who has been married for over 30/40 years.
2. A first wife of three wives.
3. A second wife.
4. A third wife.
5. A divorcée.
6. A single lady
7. A lady married to a 'burger'.
8. And the other married sisters.
Now, before the talk started, I had the privilege of being told a super fabulous story by one of the particants.
The story...
She has a sister-in-law who has not been able to give birth seventeen years after marriage. This lady had tried all her best to convince her husband to marry again but her husband will not hear of it. The one telling me the story had given birth and her mother-in-law sent this sister-in-law to see her at the hospital. When this lady saw the new born, she told his mother that it was her first time of seeing a new born.
Within some months after this, she became pregnant after many years of waiting and wailing. I guess we have all probably heard of people becoming pregnant many years after marriage so the story might not sound so 'something'. The interesting aspect of the story however is:
When she had seen the new born for the first time, she made a du'a. From the deepest and sincerest part of her, knowing that Allah azza wa jal is Al-Mujeeb, she had prayed saying;
'Yaa Allah! If such a baby is good for me, then bless me with one.'
Isn't this amazing? True and clear belief in the fact that Allah azza wa jal is a God of possibilities is what pushed her to make such a beautiful du'a. Right after making this du'a, she missed her period. She didn't even bother because missing her period was a normal thing. This time however, within a few weeks, she was feeling all the pregnancy things but she still ignored them because she couldn't bring herself to believe she could be pregnant. Then she had to do the pregnancy test and it came out positive. We can all tell her excitement. But she still thought that it could all be a mirage until her stomach started blowing up. Now, she is almost about to give birth but says that until she holds the baby in her hands, she will not believe she is going to be a mother.
Do you recall the story of how Prophet Zakariya, alayhis salaam, had prayed for a miracle after witnessing Allah azza wa jal's miracle with Maryam, alayhas salaam? This is a typical example. Let this ignite our trust and believe in the power of dua.
Back to our talkshow...
We started by introducing ourselves, saying something small about our single lives and how we met our husbands. One interesting story came up. This woman never saw or spoke with her husband until their first night as husband and wife and they have been married for almost twenty years now.
They had an arranged marriage and she was very young. She just wanted to do as her parents wished. Now, a Muslimah scholar, who was part of the participants, made it clear that though such a thing seemed praiseworthy, it was not Islamic. She mentioned that the Prophet Mohammed suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam encouraged that the yet to be spouses see each other before marriage proceeds.
A discussion on the causes of problems in marriages came up and as participants stated various reasons, one of them said;
'The problems we encounter in marriages are due to one thing only and that is ignorance of the laid down practices of Islam.'
She believed that whatever it is, if both a wife and a husband are enlightened about their roles in connection to one other in Islam, their problems will be limited. There was a talk on how being patient in marriage is key for the success of the marriage but there is a limit to that patience. We are not encouraged by Islam to be patient with something that overburdens us. A typical example is where a wife is told severally to be patient with a husband who beats her.
A situation of whether it is right for a woman to say she prefers to marry a rich or poor man came up. Of course, some women think that marrying a man who is already successful is not the best as the man and or his family may not respect you. Others also think that it is wiser to marry a rich man than a poor man because you may sacrifice so much for a poor man but the moment he becomes rich, he will begin treating you like trash. A conclusion was arrived at that a man being well to do or poor is not the most important. What is important is that the person understands Islam and your right upon him as a wife. This is because if he is poor or rich but is religious, then he will not do as stated above.
Someone brought up the issue of whether it is the right of the woman to sign a marriage contract with her husband. It was explained that signing of a marriage contract is something that the couple could decide to do or not. What women have to note however is that if a man signs in the contract that he will never for example marry anyone but his wife and in the future he changes his mind, the worse that could mostly happen is divorce provided the wife will not accept any kind of compensation. What then is the point of signing such a contract? If anything at all, the couple should agree to realistic things and endeavour to fulfill them.
One of the known causes of divorce is the interference of family into the marriage of their children. Women who get married to men who live abroad and who do not send them abroad after marriage mostly find themselves in an entangled web of family troubles. Most of the time, The family of these husbands, if they are not in good terms with the wives, feed the husbands with all kinds of negative things about their wives, some may be untrue. These men, if they are not responsible enough, believe in these things and as a result start treating their wives with disdain. Some even completely lose trust for their wives. In the long run, most of these women get divorced when they least expect it. Such was the story of the divorced lady among us. But alhamdulillaah, her separation with her husband, whom she married young, has rather helped her to become a better and a more empowered woman who knows what she wants.
Allah azza wa jal tells us that He created man and woman and he put between them, 'love' and 'mercy'. Interestingly, some of our local scholars and elders hold the notion that love in marriage does not last long but mercy is what could be everlasting in marriage. They believe that after a few months or years into marriage, the love couples feel for each other diminishes and in the long run, the marriage survives on mercy. I personally have had a reservation to this from the first time I heard it. We see Allah azza wa jal sth how much He loves some particular people in the Qur'an. We also see how much He talks about how merciful He is upon the whole of humanity. The lesson I learn from this is that even though you may love someone enough to marry them, it is the mercy you have towards them that will make you overlook some things you may not love about them. And of course, you could never really love everything about a person.
It was pointed out that this notion is wrong and the evidence of love being able to last till forever is featured in the marriage of Rasuulullaah suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam and his wife, Naana Khadijah Bint Khuwaylid. The Prophet loved her intensely and he expressed this love even years after her death. That alone is enough to discard their claim. The only time they will be right is where the love was based on useless worldly things.
There was a touch on polygamy which will be a major aspect of the second session which will come off on the 18th of January, 2020 in shaa Allah. If Allah azza wa jal allowed polygyny, then however we argue on it, it is good and we must not detest it. One of the participants mentioned that when a young woman's husband marries again, it is actually a greater test than when an elderly woman's husband does. She explained this by saying that usually such a woman is at her prime and needs her husband more in terms of intimacy, finance, child upbringing and all that. However, most women at a little earlier age lose interest in intimacy and their concentration is mostly on how to help their children become successful in life. This is also the time that most men become sexually active and feel lonely because of neglect by their wives. When such a man marries, the pain is a lot less.
She added that first wives also face greater tests than subsequent ones because they might have sacrificed their all for their husbands and when these men get rich enough to give them a better life, then they go in for other wives who shares in these latest riches that they have not contributed to.
There was a counter opinion that even for the second and subsequent wives, polygamy is a test because it isn't easy deciding to marry a man who is already married. To this, it was explained that the fact that she has the right to decide or not is an advantage to her. It will be her choice to enter or not and that makes it less of a trial. For the first wife, it is going to change her whole life as she will have to adapt to not having her husband to herself anymore. It is a lot more painful if she has struggled with him to create a certain package that is acceptable to the subsequent wives.
The case of the attachment first wives mostly have with their husbands came up. Some first wives, if not most of them, have lived with their husbands for years and they know them in and out. When subsequent wives come, they tend to battle with the fact that their husbands are more attached to their first wives or let's say, they seem to love them more. Some disagreed with this. Let me end it here on polygamy. Join our next session to speak your mind on this issue.
Who is responsible for domestic work? Cooking especially. We discussed this matter briefly. Someone mentioned that in Islam, that job is for the females. She gave an instance of where Naana Khadijah Bint Khuwaylid, radiyallaahu anhaa, went to serve Rasuulullaah suallallaahu alayhi wa salaam and Malakul Jibril sent salaams from Allah azza wa jal to her. This and other instances where the women were said to have prepared food during the Prophet's time indicate that it is a woman's job. The man should be the financial provider for the home. That is not to say they both cannot help one another in their duties especially in these times when women are contributing greatly to the upkeep of the family.
All in all, we had a great talk as sisters even though the programme could not start on time. We hope to have an awesome one again next time and we will love for you to join us. You can share with me all that you think about what we discussed in Shaa Allah.
Jazaakumullaahu khairan always for making time to read this. May Allah azza wa jal love you extremely. Aameen Yaa Waduud Yaa Waliyyu Yaa Allah. And in the end we say, 'Alhamdulillaah.' May Allah azza wa jal shower an abundance of His peace and mercy upon Rasuulullaah, his household and his companions. Aameen Yaa Allah.
Rubaba Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu-Morla
+233 555392722 (WhatsApp)
www.mmahajia.blogspot.com
www.rubabawords.blogspot.com
www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com
www.letterstomydotas.blogspot.com
www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com
